Parents of the Bride and Groom

Parents of the Bride & Groom

Introducing the In-Laws

Now that you've committed to Mr. Right, it's time for the folks who bore two such fabulous people to mix and mingle: Yes, for better or worse, it's time to introduce your crazy parents to his. Here are some tips we culled from people in the know: married couples!

ETIQUETTE SAYS
Traditionally, the groom's parents call the bride's parents first to introduce themselves and to make plans to meet (it's also completely acceptable for the bride's parents -- or you two! -- to make the first move). If either or both of your parents are divorced, the parent(s) that raised each of you should meet first. If your parents live far apart, one set should send a note of introduction to convey their excitement at the impending joining of your two families.

CHOOSING A LOCATION
If your parents live in the same hometown, you can all meet for brunch, cocktails, or dinner at someone's house or at a moderately priced, fun restaurant. However, the best way to encourage conversation is for parents to meet via an interactive meal (a backyard barbecue or clambake, say) or activity such as canoeing, bowling, or attending a sports event together. This will supply something to talk about and distract them from any differences they may have!

If your parents live in different parts of the state or across the country (or world), make an effort to find a convenient time and place for everyone to meet before the wedding. If it's absolutely not possible, be sure that everyone convenes a few days before the wedding to get acquainted. One good way to kick start relations is to assign them last-minute wedding duties (favors, decorations) to tackle together.

PRE-MEET PREP
Accept the fact that you can't control what happens after the introductions. Instead, take steps now to brief the primary players, make a good impression, and defuse any landmines that may lie ahead.

Forewarn But Don't Flip Out
Everyone has issues or experiences you know to steer clear of. From small annoyances (one parent hates cigarette smoke, for example) to major issues (his grandparents are Holocaust survivors or victims), now is the time to share do-not-go-there subjects with your parents.

In addition, all parents -- and couples -- have their eccentricities. If you foresee clashing quirks, forewarn those likely to be most sensitive. Be careful not to exaggerate the situation, as that will bias those involved and give them ammunition if they're not crazy about your fiancé or the idea of your getting married (so fast, so young, so whatever). Couch the concern, then let them make up their own minds.

Have Conversation Topics At the Ready
To bridge awkward silences, stockpile interesting conversational topics for emergency saves. What do they have in common? What's in the news? Read the paper for current events (beware political or controversial topics) and make a mental list of your parents' hobbies, recent trips, or community activities. Think of things that reveal more about their personalities than their paychecks (so as not to alienate parents of lesser means).

Set the Ground Rules Before You Go
If you're meeting at a restaurant, be sure everyone understands that each couple will cover their own share (not split it three ways or down the middle). In fact, call ahead to choose a restaurant that will do separate checks. Or, bite the bullet and pick up the tab for everyone. Doing so will eliminate awkward efforts to treat each other and bitterness when someone orders the most expensive thing on the menu or downs six martinis.

Kowtow to Miss Manners
Common courtesy mandates that when someone invites you over for dinner, you bring a gift or contribute to the menu. When parents are meeting parents, pour on the politeness. Bring a gift, food, or a special sweet treat. Offer to help finish last-minute prep and to help clean up or clear the dishes. Eat light so you can go for second helpings and ask for the recipe of something they served (even if you never plan on making it).

Know Your Cultures
If you're marrying someone from another culture, religion, or race, ask your fiancé if there are any beliefs or protocol you should know about and/or heed before this pivotal first meeting of the minds. For example, in Chinese culture, it is not appropriate to acknowledge stepmothers -- an important tidbit to know if your fiancé's Chinese parents are meeting dad's new wife!

DON'T FORGET
You can prepare until your eyes pop out, but whatever happens will happen. Here are some mantras and tips to keep in mind once the food starts flying:

You Are Not Responsible For Them
Parents are adults (too) and you can't tell them what to say or how to act. They are responsible for their own actions and mistakes.

Have a Sense of Humor
The best defense against disastrous first meetings? Lighten up and keep your sense of humor cemented firmly in place.

Cut Your Parents Some Slack
Don't sweat it if your dad tries too hard to be funny or your mom fusses over every little thing: Remember that your parents are very likely nervous about this meeting. It's not everyday they meet people soon to be permanent (albeit extended) members of the family!

Steer the Conversation Away From Dangerous Waters
The purpose of this first meeting is simply to get acquainted. This means no wedding talk -- especially about the budget! -- no white elephants (charged issues), no political debates, no talk about exes. Remember: This is not the negotiating table.

Don't Force Them to Click
You'll likely be stunned at how different your parents are! Don't try too hard to find things they have in common or to show how much they should like each other. The chemistry may take time, or may never happen. All you can hope for it that they get along -- many couples don't even enjoy that luxury!

Edit Yourself
No matter how comfortable you are with your parents or with his, remember that they don't share the same easy rapport with each other (yet). Keep dirty jokes and personal stories hush hush for now.

Suck It Up
If the evening seems interminable, remember that this may be the only time you'll have to spend with both sets of parents alone. From here on, other family members and friends are often included in the mix, easing the pressure considerably (whew).

Father of the Bride

Believe it or not, dads have more duties than just walking their little girls down the aisle (and picking up the tab in traditional wedding circles). Here's what's expected of the father of the bride:

Help with everything from scouting reception sites to recommending wedding musicians.
Possibly making maps with directions to the wedding site(s), which will be included with invitations.
If there are many out-of-town guests arriving, play chauffeur at the airport; if needed, arrange for guests' transportation to and from the wedding festivities.
Attend the rehearsal dinner and be prepared to give a toast welcoming the groom into the family.
Travel to the ceremony with your daughter and walk her down the aisle. Take no offense if your independent offspring wants to aisle-trek alone. She may be a woman who balks at the notion of being "given away." It might hurt, but try to respect her wishes.
Stand in the receiving line beside your daughter.
As traditional host of the wedding, make a short speech at the reception at the end of the reception time. The mother of the bride may accompany you.
Dance with your daughter's mother after the official first-dance sequence.
Share an honored father-daughter dance at the reception, to a meaningful song you've chosen together.
During the reception, keep an eye on the bar and champagne supply, and alert whomever is in charge if supplies run low.
Stay until the celebration's bitter end, possibly settling final bills.
When the newly married couple is en route to honeymoon bliss, take time to congratulate yourself (and her mother) on a job well done.

Mother of the Bride or Groom

Mother of the Bride

Here are 15 helpful responsibilities moms can handle with ease.

Help bride and groom scout out wedding and reception sites and ask friends/family for vendor recommendations.
Serve as the main contact for wedding pros (especially if the wedding is taking place in your town and the bride lives elsewhere).
Help bride choose her wedding dress, trousseau, and wedding-night peignoir.
Compile and submit names and addresses of your family and friends to be included on the master guest list.
Talk to the groom's family about whom they want to include on the guest list and manage the difficult task of limiting the number of guests, if necessary.
Help research family or ethnic traditions and heirlooms to incorporate into the ceremony or reception.
Determine what the bride wants you to wear on the big day and find a gorgeous dress. Then, consult with the groom's mom on what you two will be wearing. You'll both feel more comfortable if your elegance is in sync.
Attend (and possibly help organize) the shower and the rehearsal dinner.
Escort the bride down the aisle if the bride's father isn't planning on it. (In a Jewish wedding both parents accompany the bride.)
In a Christian wedding, be seated in the first pew directly before the ceremony and leave the chapel first afterward.
Stand in the receiving line to greet guests; traditionally, as reception hostess, the mother of the bride heads up the line.
Sit at the parents' table (if there is one).
Dance with the father of the bride (or other escort) and the groom during the formal first-dance sequence.
Remind the bride often how special she is and that she'll be the most beautiful bride in history.
Let the bride cry on your shoulder anytime, day or night (you know, be a mom).

Mother of the Groom

Traditionally, the bride's mother has absorbed most of the pre-wedding responsibilities, while the groom's family assumed more of a back seat. Nowadays, both moms take on a significant role in the planning process, especially if the two families are sharing the financial burden. No matter what the case, here's what's expected of the mother of the groom.

When the engagement is announced, call the bride's parents as soon as possible. Express your happiness and invite them over for cocktails or out to dinner.
Host a dinner to introduce the bride to the groom's side of the family.
Be aware of expenses typically covered by the groom's family and offer financial assistance, if appropriate, to the groom.
Offer to help scout out wedding and reception sites and ask friends for recommendations for caterers, florists, and vendors.
Offer to serve as the main contact for wedding professionals -- especially if the wedding is taking place in your town and the groom no longer lives there.
Draw up the guest list for the groom's family after asking the couple how many guests you are able to invite.
Help the groom choose family or ethnic traditions to incorporate into the ceremony or reception.
Attend bridal shower and buy a gift.
Obtain information on where the couple is registered and spread the word to your side of the family.
Consult the bride's mom on her wedding-day outfit. Shop for your own about 4-6 months before the wedding.
Keep track of your RSVPs and offer to make calls to obtain last-minute responses for anyone on your side of the list (3-4 weeks before the wedding).
Traditionally, plan and host the rehearsal dinner with the groom's dad (plan 6 months before the wedding; host the day before).
Stand in the receiving line after the bride and groom (along with the groom's father).
Sit at the parents' table (if there is one).
Dance with the groom during the mother/son dance -- Great Song Ideas coming soon.....

Money and Parents

Many families (usually the grooms') feel that the financial burden falls upon the brides' parents, while the groom's family takes care of the rehearsal dinner, and perhaps a pair of cufflinks. But fear not, this way of thinking is as outdated as black-and-white TVs. These days, a couple should be able to ask both sets of parents for help with wedding finances. In fact, in The Knot survey, we found that 41.3% of you are paying for the wedding through a combination of funds from yourselves and both sets of parents. Here are some tips:

KNOW YOURSELF
Granted, the prospect of talking about money (let alone asking for it), is about as pleasant to deal with as a root canal. But if it's the only way you're going to have the wedding of your dreams, and the wedding of your dreams involves more money than you've got, you'll have to bite the bullet and ask away. The other side of this fence, however, is that money often comes with strings attached. By forking over the dollars, your parents may feel that this gives them a say in how you plan the wedding -- from how many guests you invite, to what you serve as an entree, right down to what you give as favors. For some people, this is an acceptable trade-off; for others, an intolerable situation. Know thyself, and plan accordingly. It may not be worth it to get the money but relinquish a certain amount of control.

COMMUNICATE CLEARLY
Keep in mind that it never hurts to ask; the worst that can happen is that they say "No." That said, be up-front about exactly how much money you need. You may feel the urge to hem and haw, or underestimate, but by being clear from the start there's less chance of misunderstandings. Keep in mind it will help to have drawn up a budget beforehand.

ESTABLISH GROUND RULES
If you intend to use the money exactly as you wish, say so at the beginning. Keep in mind that although it is your wedding, and you get the final say, asking for opinions and involving parents is always a nice gesture, regardless of how much or how little money they have contributed. If you are asking both sets of parents for money, it's nice to give them an idea of what their money is going toward. There's no doubt, asking for money can be an anxiety-fraught situation, but if to-be-weds gloss over their needs and requirements, and don't lay them out clearly at the start, there's nothing but trouble ahead.

CONSIDER ASKING FOR A LOAN
If you feel guilty asking for an outright gift, consider asking for a loan, and follow through on your intention of reimbursing your parents. Set up a repayment schedule so that both parties feel comfortable. Try to finalize the agreement before the bills start adding up. It's less stressful this way. If you are lucky enough to get the cash flow from your parents -- be grateful! It's a caring and generous expression of their love for you and support for your relationship. Be sure to have the wedding you've always dreamed of, but be sure to thank them and let them know just how much they, and their support, means to you. Good luck!