Bridesmaids 101

Bridesmaids Etiquette

From fronting cash and choosing frocks to finding ways to smooth out tricky issues, managing your bridesmaids is no easy task. Whatever's eating you at the moment, these Q&As will help you figure out a plan of action.

Q. Most of my bridal party is from out of town. They will most likely need to stay in a hotel for two to three nights. Is it their responsibility to pay for their hotel rooms? Or is the onus on the bride's family? Also, would it be okay to split the cost with the attendants as a possible compromise?

A. Generally, the attendants are responsible for paying their own way, just like they pay for what they'll wear to your wedding and for getting there. And usually, if you have out-of-towners in for your wedding, you'll be able to reserve a block of rooms at a discount, which ought to help them save cash. Going halvesies is perfectly fine, but know that you and your family shouldn't be expected to pay.

Q. I'm scared to ask my sister to be in the bridal party because, come wedding time, she's going to be very pregnant. What is the proper way to handle a pregnant bridesmaid situation?

A. She can still be in the wedding party when she's pregnant! She can wear an empire-style dress: the waist hits right below the bustline and the dress falls from there, leaving lots of room for a pregnant tummy. Or, choose a maternity dress in the same color or fabric as the other bridesmaids' dresses. Then, on the wedding day itself, just make sure there's a chair she can use during the ceremony, so she won't have to stand the entire time.

Q. My friend, the bride, has gone berserk! I have never encountered a more selfish person in my life. I just broke up with my boyfriend and my parents are getting a divorce, yet every time I see her, she complains that I don't pay any attention to her (and this after I addressed all her invitations, went dress shopping with her six times, and threw two separate bridal showers). I'm starting to think that I should just tell her I don't want to be in her wedding anymore.

A. It's funny how slipping a ring on someone's finger can turn her into a fierce, self-centered creature from another planet. Weddings are unlike any other event in our lives. There's so much emotion and expectation inherent in the marriage process that sometimes brides can't see beyond themselves. It sounds like this particular gal could use a little perspective. However, dropping out of someone's bridal party is a very bold statement, devastating to the bride and sure to end the friendship. If you're not ready to give this friend up, you need to set her straight. If that doesn't work, she may not be worth having as a friend. If you want to keep her as a friend, be sensitive to her fragile emotional state and write the experience off. Once she returns from the honeymoon, she may be back to her old loveable self.

Q. Am I required to give my bridal team "thank you" gifts? How much do I spend?

A. Think of it this way -- your maids are majorly putting themselves out for you. To remain in their good graces, show your gratitude by gifting them properly. Many brides give out gifts at the rehearsal dinner. Sometimes it's something the girls can wear on the day of the wedding, like a barrette or a bracelet. Other brides say thanks with a magazine subscription, wedding keepsakes, or special gifts handpicked with each attendant's interests/tastes in mind. As for a price range, it depends entirely on your budget. We think spending $25-$75 is a safe bet.

Q. My 9-year-old daughter has asked to be the flower girl. She will be 10 (and almost as tall as I am!) at the time of the wedding. I would like her to be included in the ceremony, but I feel it may be more appropriate for her to participate in another way can she be a junior bridesmaid?

A. It makes more sense for your daughter to be a junior bridesmaid -- she'll feel too "little girly" as the flower girl. She can wear a dress similar to the other attendants. You might even consider having her serve as your maiden of honor. An adult will have to sign your marriage license as your witness, but your daughter can still be your honor attendant.

Q. Help, help, help! I have four best friends and a sister and I am torn about who to ask to be in the wedding! It's not big enough to have them all (only 100 guests)!

A. Scrap the x amount of attendants to x amount of guests "rule." In your case, the proportion of five attendants to 100 guests is perfectly appropriate. And if these women are your best friends, that's reason enough to have them all in your wedding party.

Q. One of my bridesmaids has dropped out of our wedding party. Is it okay to have two groomsmen walk with one maid?

A. Having two groomsmen escort a bridesmaid, one on each arm, is completely acceptable.

Q. Is it appropriate to inform my bridesmaids of their traditional roles so that they are not confused? Personally, I would find it helpful, but others might find it presumptuous. How can I offer this information to my wedding party without sounding ungrateful to any assistance they may offer?

A. A fun and unthreatening way to let everybody know what her duties are (and/or what you expect of each of them) is to send out a newsletter detailing all to-dos and other essential information. That way, everyone is privy to everyone else's duties, and no one will feel as though she's been directly targeted. You're probably right that most people will find it helpful to have their responsibilities explained, because they might be fully in the dark. Be sure to include a huge "thank you" to everyone for being a part of the wedding early on in your newsletter -- your team will be much more receptive to a grateful-sounding summons.

Q. We have decided not to have attendants. Each of us would like to be escorted down the aisle by both our parents. His mother says this isn't appropriate. I know it's unusual, but is there really a reason why we must have attendants? We will have our parents sign as our witnesses.

A. The only thing attendants must do is serve as witnesses and sign your marriage certificate, and your parents can fill those roles. So no, there's no other reason that you need attendants in addition to your parents.

Q. Who should I seat next to whom at the head table? Is it boy/girl, or all the bridesmaids on one side and the groomsmen on the other? Do I include the flower girl and ring bearer?

A. Technically, the head table is boy/girl -- starting with the best man next to the bride and the maid of honor next to the groom. But you don't have to do it that way -- you could put the women on the bride's side and men on the groom's, or let everyone sit wherever they want. Young children in the wedding usually sit with their parents at another table.

Q. I asked my future sister-in-law to be one of my bridesmaids, and she gave me a very vague answer. How can I nicely encourage her to answer now? How should I handle her saying "no"?

A. Sounds like your sister-in-law-to-be is not enthusiastic about the prospect of being in your wedding. This does not mean she's evil, and you shouldn't feel slighted. Maybe the two of you don't know each other very well yet, or maybe she would feel better being with her own family on the wedding day instead of with your close female friends and relatives. Just call her and tell her that you're ordering the dresses now, and if she's not comfortable with the idea of being a bridesmaid, you understand. She'll probably be relieved to know you're not angry.

Q. What is the proper order in which to line up your bridesmaids and groomsmen? I was under the impression that you have them in the order of who is important in your life. Someone else said you put them in order by height.

A. This can get sticky. Do the height thing only if you care about that sort of thing for the pictures, etc. That might save you some grief. If you go the other route, though, handle the "you're important to me" approach with care. You don't want to ruffle anyone's feathers. Maybe arrange the girls in order of how long you have known each bridesmaid: family first, then friends, and so on. But you see how even this plan has the potential to hurt feelings. Maybe the best thing to do is let your attendants decide the order among themselves.

ATTIRE

Q. When selecting bridesmaids' attire, what is the proper etiquette?

A. There's no real etiquette on how much a bride should involve her bridesmaids in the choosing of dresses, but the more input she allows them the better. It's important for your maids to like the dresses and to feel comfortable. She could round you guys up and try to collectively agree on a style and shade. Or each of you could talk to the bride separately, expressing your preferences. On the first shopping trip, the bride may want to take just her maid of honor along to scout things out. Then, when they narrow it down to a few styles, the rest of you can try on the dresses and give opinions.

Q. Is it okay for bridesmaids to wear a dress that's similar to the bride's?

A. Not only is it okay, some people would argue that it's absolutely necessary. No matter what the bride and her bridesmaids wear, the dress designs and styles should complement each other. Bridesmaid dresses that are too different end up looking bizarre.

MONEY
Q. Do bridesmaids have to pay for their own dresses?

A. Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding-day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included). If you think the cost is going to be an issue, voice your concerns to the bride. Hopefully she'll choose a dress that's reasonably priced, or consider letting you choose your own. She may give you some color/style requirements (i.e., black and ankle length), and then each of you would choose something that suits your standards. That way, you decide how much to spend.

Q. Who pays for the bridal shower? Just the maid of honor? Can we ask for contributions?

A. Whomever is hosting the shower (it's usually the maid of honor with help from the bridesmaids) should handle footing the bill. So no, you shouldn't ask for contributions from guests, even if the soiree is at a restaurant. That said, there are many budget-friendly ways to plan, and maybe the bride's Mom or Grandma will slip you a $20 or two.

Q. Is it okay to charge per head at a bachelorette party, or does the maid of honor (and bridesmaids) foot the bill for all?

A. Unlike a shower, at which the hostess(es) pays for the party (that may mean the maid of honor or the MOH and all the bridesmaids), it's completely cool to ask everyone who comes to chip in for the bachelorette bash. But make it clear before the festivities begin. Inform all invitees what the plan is and how much the suggested contribution will be. No one should have a problem with it -- everyone wants to feel like she's showing the bride a good time.

Q. I, along with a few of the other bridesmaids, will be coming to the wedding from out of town, and will need to stay in a hotel for two to three nights. I know that the bride's family has reserved some rooms, but whose responsibility is it to pay? Also, is there any way to split the cost as a possible compromise?

A. Generally, attendants are responsible for paying their own way for accommodations, just as they pay for their attire and transportation. The bride's family may have been able to reserve a block of rooms at a discount, which ought to help save you some cash. Going halvesies is perfectly fine if her family is game; just know that they shouldn't be expected to pay. Bunking with one (or two) of the other bridesmaids is another way to cut costs.

Q. Who pays for bridesmaids' hair and makeup?

A. If the bride wants her attendants to have their hair and makeup done professionally, it's a nice gesture for her to offer to pay for these services on the morning of the wedding. The attendants are already paying for their dresses and -- if they don't live in the wedding city -- for travel and accommodations. They should not be expected to pay for professional hair and makeup as well.

Indulging The Bride

There's more to being a bridesmaid than parading down the aisle in pink taffeta. Celebrate your friend and her groom by helping her out and adding some extra fun to this often stressful, but very special time. Here are some of our best ideas, to inspire you to go above and beyond your attendant duties.

1. Take responsibility for the gift baskets or bags for out-of-town guests' hotel rooms. Include a welcome letter, maps, relevant phone numbers, snacks, postcards, city souvenirs, and suggestions for fun activities.

2. Do a countdown to the big day. Leave fun, stress-busting little reminders of how many days are left until she's married (an aromatherapy candle, a mini wooden back massager, etc.) where she'll stumble across them.

3. Offer to supply favors for the rehearsal dinner.

4. Surprise her with a weekend getaway with the girls -- a perfect idea for the bachelorette party!

5. Take her to get her nails done, or treat her to a facial before her shower.

6. Send guests notecards and envelopes addressed to the bride. Attach a letter asking them to shower her with love the week of the wedding -- she'll be treated to a mailbox full of poetry, marital advice, and good wishes.

7. Make a collage of photographs (or even a video) of the bride, her groom, and her friends and family. Present it to her at the rehearsal dinner. People love looking at old photographs!

8. Ask what she's drinking at the reception and keep her cup full. Brides seldom make it through the crowd to the bar (just be sure her cup doesn't overunneth).

9. Take Polaroids during the reception and tuck the memories into her honeymoon luggage.

10. Arrange for flowers or a fruit basket to be sent to the couple's honeymoon suite as a send-off from the wedding party.

11. Collect disposable reception-table cameras at the end of the night and get them developed.

12. Take her gown to the cleaners after the wedding. It'll be pressed and preserved for when she returns.

13. Give her a pretty blank journal to take along on the honeymoon.

14. Pack a traveler's "in case you forget" bag: Include a disposable camera, sunscreen, sunglasses, moisturizer, saline, and other toiletries a harried bride might forget to pack.

15. Offer to be the end-of-the-party, final once-over girl -- collecting the cake topper and toasting flutes, making sure Grandma is escorted to her car, etc.

16. Get doubles of any snapshots you took at the wedding and have them waiting on her doorstep when she returns from the honeymoon.

17. Stock the couple's kitchen with food for their return. The worst trip is the one to the grocery store the night you return from paradise. Help them avoid realty for just one more day.

18. Write her a letter about the wedding, how beautiful she looked and how much it meant for you to be a part of her big day. Include your take on some of the unforgettable moments. She'll keep this offering in her scrapbook and in her heart.

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